i should try to sleep. it's 4 fucking AM. i should be sleeping. i'm pretty exhausted.
but trying to sleep means laying in bed for at least an hour, trying to get my brain to shut off. and in this state? that's never gonna fucking happen.
it's weird, my thoughts are jittery, fast. they seem to zing from one side of my brain to the other (and then back around in an endless loop of annoyning, curse-filled inner monologue) but my fingers are slow, heavy on the keys and my eyes don't want to stay open.
i won't be able to sleep. on the best of nights, when my brain's as tired as my body, it takes forever to sleep. and i'm so pissed, i don't think i could take laying in bed for hours, damning my insomnia. and probably damning everything else in creation as well.
and even if i can, what then? i'll have 5 good hours of restlessness and nightmares, and then my phone will ring for the first time and i'll start a 3 hour long cycle of pleading with my dad for more time to sleep. when i finally give up and get up, i'll have 8 shitty hours under my belt, in comparison to yesterday's 7, and a couple awkward phone calls to make. i'll spend the day too tired to move, too tired to fulfill my meager obligations, far too tired to crack open my math book and study.
insomnia fucking sucks. my brain fucking sucks. 4-year-olds fucking suck. heartburn fucking sucks. online shopping fucking sucks.